Needs and neediness

Needs and neediness

Many men in anger management are overly needy. They get onto relationships desperate for the woman, but constantly on edge that they may not be good enough. They are not in touch with their needs. They think the want a woman but really what they want is for the woman to want them. Then they feel safe. Anger management is all about identifying ‘needs’ When ever there is a trigger there is always a need. The destructive anger arises out of not knowing what the need is.

The basic needs of wanting respect, belonging, warmth and security are legitimate. But if the man is not aware of the need he flounders panics in looking for a life line and assumes that she has the answer. Management comes from the man identifying the need.

The probability is when he was young his own needs were never met well enough and he is still looking for them from someone else. When he is able to identify the need and then ask himself “How am I going to get this need met?” can he move into resolving the situation. He has the power, the paradox is when he knows his needs he stops being needy.

Nigel Turner

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